The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
