Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
