I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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