Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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