The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
