...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
