did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
