I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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