Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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