Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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