Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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