I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
