Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
