Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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