dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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