I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
