I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dicks are not precious.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
