I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
