Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
