Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
