I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
