just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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