You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
