he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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