Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
