My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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