My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
