We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
