I just threw up on my dentist
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
A+ Viking dick
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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