Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
