I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
