I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my phone needs a breathalizer
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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