i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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