I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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