____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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