He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
