Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
