Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to align my fucking chakras
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