Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
