Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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