i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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