i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
whose parrot is this?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
