Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
