god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
