Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
