I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
