She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
