She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
