y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
no you cant smoke seaweed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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