I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
