Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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