Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
