I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
