After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
